Ben-e-facto

Hey, I am Ben and I am 17 years old. They call me a loner, a loser, a depressed piece of shit. I know who I am and I am none of those. People like to judge others at my school, they think that everyone should have labels - the school slut, the gangster bully, and the suicidal loner. Most people don't really talk to me, as they think I am some freak foreign nerd. But before I delve into that, let me back track a little bit and tell you my about my history, the history of the dusty philosopher.

When I was 4 years old, the most dearest, closest, and loving person passed away right before my eyes - my skillful father. He taught me everything about life - from fishing to riding my first bike and most importantly how to take care of myself. My mother called him an alcoholic fuck and a abuser, but I knew that wasnt true; shes a compulsive liar. He died of lung cancer and I saw him slowly become frail and weak - losing all his hair from the constant chemo treatments he was receiving. He didnt look like the father I once knew, he looked more and more like fuckin Gandhi. But I still loved him, he was the only person I cared for and God took him away from me, its bullshit. After his death, my older brother Sage, my mom, and I immigrated to Toronto from Bombay. I felt like a refugee in Darfur, we were poor, hungry, and cold. See after my father's death - my family went through a financial crisis, since he was the only breadwinner of the family. We were on the Canadian welfare system, saving every penny and my maa was working under the tables at local restaurants were they paid cash. I felt sick, disgusted, like a parasite to the Canadian government. I didnt wanna live my life this way and everyone around me was changing. My brother Sage was growing up and only cared for himself; he was a self-fish prick. My mother, was seeing someone new every month; she was the local gold-digger trying to provide a "better" living for "all of us"; bullshit. How I hated my life. We eventually got outta the slums in Regent Park and moved away to Sherbourne when I was 14. We had gotten out the welfare system and as my mom liked to say "we were climbing the social ladder". hahaha, what a petty thing to say. Anyways, I entered highschool with my head high, thinking that it was going to be a new beginning for me. Was I fucken wrong. I knew it from the first day, that highschool was just my life within boundaries and different people - same old shit different day. People seemed to think I was some weirdo, just because I didnt wear your Abercrombie and Bitch clothes or your local thug wear. I didnt care what they thought, I was gonna be myself, no matter the circumstances. I wasnt "slick" with the ladies and I wasnt the captain of the basketball team. I didnt talk much, but I was tended to pretty well in school. My favourite subject was chemistry, something about it was so riveting. It was like, you can mix the good with the bad and create something amazing. Thats how I wanted my life to be, kinda ironic, isnt it?

Anyways, after my first year, my mom thought, I was "depressed and lonely", didnt believe a word outta that womens mouth. Anyways, i was dragged to the psychologist and long story short i was diagnosed with depression. They gave me these little pills and say that its gonna make me feel better, cheer me up like happy Gilmour. Nothing has happened, but for some reason, it does ease down the memories of the past. I love taking it, and i cant live without them. My knees get weak, eyes get red, i feel relaxed. I love the feeling. Every once in a while i attend these sessions with a psychologist to talk about my anger issues, feelings, its kinda retarded. It doesnt even help me express myself.

All I wanted outta life was to be accepted, to belong to someone, and be heard. I want someone to share my feelings with, and it feels like noone is there fore me. My mom is to busy making money, my brother is off leading his own life, while I reminiscence of what coulda been. For some reason, theres this girl I liked since highschool, Martina, she just seems like everything i want in a girl. From her looks, to her, very presence. I feel like, she can really understand me, and i can really understand her. She doesnt seem to think that though, shes too concerned with what others are gonna think or do. I feel like, there is something deeper inside of her,that she just wants to let out. Most guys label her as the slut, whore, someone selling her body. I hate it, when they see that, to me shes like..like..something beyond words. I wish she felt the same way for me. Fuck I sound so retarded now, like a obsessive lover.

I need to change my life, my outlook, I need to figure everything out. But I need help, even though I hate admitting that. I wish someone would come talk to me, Drama class is the only place, where I can forget about my past and immerse myself in a different setting and become someone else. Its my only therapy, my only hope.