alicia's monologue

Some may say im sweet, others may see me as more stuck up, but the thing is, none of these people really know me, i mean REALLY know me well enough to call me anything else but my name, Alicia. I am sixteen years old and in grade eleven. many see my life as somewhat perfect. i have a well rounded family, i have a big house, and i have the most amazing boyfriend any could could dream of. Yet, i'm constantly asking myself, "what's missing? if i have everything, why is it that i'm still not happy?"

I have always had a father figure in my life and always had someone that i called Dad, and for the longest time i always knew him as my old man. It wasn't until i was about 12 that my mom told me about my real dad, to whom she referred to as "the donor", because that all he did, was donate his male functions or whatever, then when he found out about me, he peaced. His name was Bryan and at one point that's i wanted to know about him. I hated him! How could this guy just up and leave my mother like that, pregnant, barefoot, and on her own?!! My mom says that everything happens for a reason, some times, ya shit happens, but you gotta pull through. Not very long after the whole donor situation is when my mom met Roger, who "helped her through everything" she says. After i was born they got married and later on had my sister, Gabrielle, and my brother, kalvin.

We never really talked about the donor much, but i was beyond curious, like who wouldn't be? i decided i wanted to try and contact my biological father Bryan. i couldn't let my mom find out though, she'd be so hurt, not only that she'd be wayy pissed! i got in touch with my "Aunt" (the donor's sister) who seemed a little hesitant to give me his number. I was so nervous but excited to talk to him. i didn't kno what to say or ask, yet i had so many questions for him. I soon realised that he wasn't exactly as excited to talk to me as i thought he might have been. He wanted nothing to do with me actually to be honest. Now i know why my mom was so strict on not allowing me to contact him, she didn't want me to be hurt, just like she had been in the past. well, i was hurt, alot and still am. he's my father! doesn't he have to love me? I felt so unwanted, like i was just some childhood mistake of his! but that's it, that's all i was to him, and words can't describe how that still makes me feel when i think about it. can Roger really love me like a daughter if my own father can't? I began to take the easy way out from my confusion and problems. A way that the pain that no one else could understand would be numb, by drinking...alot.

I started dating my boyfriend Derrek the summer of grade nine. i knew he was into some thought shit but for some reason i thought i could change him. I fell hard and fast and before i knew it i was the one following his badass ways. Blazin, getting completely shitfaced, and waking up in the middle of nowhere, became a regular routine of mine. Iskipped school more than often and when i did go to school i always made sure i had plenty bottles of water... and vodka. i'd mix half and half, so i wouldnt get caught.

Roger has always tried to be the positive malefigure in my life but since i found out about the donor just nothing was the same. He tried to tell me what to do and how to act,, all the things a father has the authority to do, but all he did was piss me off!I began to hate him too and we never got along. i figured i only needed one positive male figure in my lifeand that was Derrek. i knew he loved me (for the most part) and that's all that mattered.

So, last night i went to Derrek's to hang out like always. He began to get al defensive when i simply aksed him wat he did friday night instead of hangout with me. i didn't think anything of it until he started lashing out at me and yelling at me "do you seriuosly have to hangout with me every night just so that u kno i'm not with other girls?" wow, as if he just said that! we started arguing and yelling at eachother to the point where i lost my voice, and walked out. Derrek started to chase me down the driveway, threatning that if i took one more step it was over. I'd had it and kept walking home.

By the time i walked in the door it was real late, and my rents were sitting on the couch waiting to like ambush me or something. they started at me with all this " we're worried about you" shit. i mean PLEASE! they're anything but worried as long as they're relatioship is healthy the world is at ease! Anytime i'm home mom's always bitching to me about fuck all, and Rog is standin behind her trying to be all macho and shit,, i'm sick of it! So i totally snapped that night, i packed my bags threw in my wadka (water bottles with vodka), and headed to a friends. Igot to my friend kelsey's and was at my boiling point. i had just had it with all the bullshit and just got right into the drinks. One led to another, then another, then lost count.

Iwoke up this morning strapped to a stretcher, attached to 4 different machines. My mom was holding my hand and crying. Ididn't understand, because icouldn't remember anything from the night before. I was later told that my friends parents came home early and found me convulsing and called 911. the doctor says that if they had come home anylater i could have been dead. So, now as i lie in my hospital bed remenicing on my past, i aks myself "now whats missing?, why is it that im still so unhappy?" well, i think im beginning to figure it out.